Story Break
Uncle Pudzer Explains Fire
First there are three kinds of fires. Food fire, heat fire and wild fire. Two reasons to build a fire are cook over it and in case you screwed up and need some heat to save your sorry butt. You make a fire to cook or keep warm. You dont build a fire for fun, just so you can sit there and look at pretty sparks. Go to the city park for that. Watch the 4th of July fireworks. That dont belong out hiking.
The other kind of fire is wild. The one that gets away, maybe running off with your tent and the forest too, taking out a campground or two, everybodys pets and there RVs and air conditioners and TV sets and cars and stuff. Can be exciting.
Dont whine about people with RVs and generators and TV sets who take them along so they can watch Wheel of Fortune at the campground. Thats none of your business. They worked hard. They saved up there money and they get to spend it any way they see fit. They pay more in taxes than you do. That dont give you a right to put a coonskin cap on your head and go and burn them down, so listen up or go somewhere else if you dont like it. Your not going to be in the campground anyway.
OK, back to basics. The best place to build a fire is on sand, number one. Then bare ground, and third place on bare rock. Got no sand or gravel, use clean dirt. Everything else burns. Dont build a fire on top of stuff that burns or your an idiot. Repeat this until you got it memorized.
Lay down about two inches of dirt or sand. Thicker is better. As big across as you can. Bigger is better. Two to three feet across. If you dont have sand or dirt, then scrape everything away so your down to bare dirt. They call this mineral soil. Because it dont burn, its all minerals. Make a big enough circle. Got no other place, do it in the middle of the trail. If that dont work, keep walking a while. Go hungry, it gives you a good appetite.
Bare rock is your last choice. Fire will make it black. Somebody will know an idiot made a fire there, and they will know it for a long time, but at least you cant set rock on fire, even if your a complete idiot. A real good place is in the middle of a stream, where theres a sandbar or some gravel where you can sit. Lots of water too. Cooler, no bugs, usually, and a breeze. Could be worse.
When your done, use lots of water to soak the ashes and the ground. If your on sand or dirt, then stir it up too. Make it wet and goopy. When your all done, then put some more extra sand or dirt on top and smooth it over. Kick a little more over it. Make it look like you were not there. Make damn sure its out first. Piss on it.
Theres a bunch of ways to lay out a fire. Go buy a book or find some pictures or something if you want to.
I use two kinds of fires. One is called the “tepee” and the other is called “crisscross” or “log cabin”. You can lay out a fire in a little trench, but thats harder, and you got to dig stuff up. Most fires will be on top of the ground. A tepee fire has the sticks leaning on each other, on end, like a tepee. A tepee fire burns hot and fast and then it falls apart. Like my cousin Elroy. God I dont know what got into him, but he made a real hell of a mess of his life. Forget I mentioned him. Tepees can be good if you need to warm up and move on, but just moving on warms you up anyway so what is the point?
The crisscross fire burns down to coals pretty well. You can cook on it. You lay the sticks crosswise, at 90 degree angles, one layer on top of the other, all flat. You can use a couple of fat sticks at the bottom to make a hollow base, or dig a shallow trench.
Get a few rocks. Set them up first, so you are ready. Make sure your pot can sit on them nice and even, with the coals in the middle. Do this first. Then get some dry wood sticks.
Tinder, kindling and fuel is the key. Tinder burns if you just look at it hard. Kindling is in the middle, it burns fast but not that fast, and your fuel is what you cook over. Fuel sticks should be small. No bigger than your finger. If you got fat fingers thats OK. Finger thick is as big as your fingers. Remember that, and if you cant, look at your hands. Thats why they are attached, so you always have them with you.
Your sticks will be about a quarter inch thick, maybe 3/8 inch. Everybody is getting fancy these days, but I dont do the metric. I dont know what that would work out to.* You can take a caliper along if you want to play around, maybe an eyeshade and a pinstripe suit with spats, and a calculator too. I dont know that metric stuff. I am an old guy.
Use small sticks so your not there all day waiting for them to burn down enough so you can get close enough to set your pot out. You just need a fire, not a job. Remember you need to put it out at the end, so you dont want to start something burning that will take all day. You want it to burn down and turn into ashes, and then cover it and leave.
Break up the sticks about as long as your hand. Lay the two biggest ones down first, then crossways with another layer of smaller ones, on top, and so on. Mix some kindling and tinder in there, all the way up. Leave it all loose, so air can get in.
You want a ball of kindling and tinder at the bottom, on the inside, underneath everything else, on the bare ground. Thats what you will set your match to.
Light it on the bottom, on the upwind side, and put your pot on when its going good. On the rocks not on the fire. It will cook while the flames are there, and cook all the way down to coals, then they will burn out gradually. Try it a few times so you know how much wood to use. Put the fire out and you will be OK. If you do something dumb dont do it near me. I dont wanta hear about it.