Story Break
Bad Conditions
Some of your worst hiking is going to be because of who your with on the trail. Some thoughts here about handling those situations, starting with insects.
The Single Bee
We’ll start small, so you city people can follow along. The second letter of the alphabet is B, but the first thing you got to look out for is a bee. Some of you have seen a bee, but we are not taking too much for granted here, so lets talk about one bee at a time. Try to follow along. The thing about bees, now, is you never see just one. Bees dont do that. Think of a shotgun shell. Its full of BBs. Not one. Lots. Like bees. Think bees bees, like the sound they make – beezzz beezzz. If you see one that means the place is full of them and most of them are behind you somewhere or right overhead. They know which side of you your eyes are on, and they can see you, even with those little specky eyes they got. The most important thing is they arnt too bright. Not deep thinkers, most of them. They fly around and suck flowers all day, for crying out loud, so dont plan on negotiating. If a bee stings you it will die because it cant get its stinger back out again. It stays with you. Thats kinda bad for both parties. Whether a bee knows this or not I am not aware, but they dont go around stinging people for fun. If you have a bee come and buzz around you or butt you with its head, then its time to make like a tree and leaf. Pronto, though personally I have never seen that head butt thing. Some fancy writer made that up I think. Anyhow, if you see one, theres more of them waiting in the bushes, thats the important thing. They dont want to give up the flower sucking to work on you unless they got a good reason, so take the hint. Othern that, maybe you smell too good. If your really a hiker then this isnt very likely, but who knows what the hell things smell like to a bee? If your a guy and you smell like flowers then tell me which trail your gonna be on so I can go somewhere else. I will leave you and the bees in peace. Dont let the buzzing sounds surprise you.
The Bee Hive
This is where the bees live. Its like a big apartment house in the wrong neighborhood. You can tell if your near a hive if you cant hear to keep up your conversation. There will be lots of buzzing coming from each direction, lots of bees flying around. You will see them. This here is a real strong clue. Time for a change of scenery. Bees can fly as fast as you can run. You can run, right?
The Bee Attack
Even one of these can ruin most days. When you feel that first suicidal bee ramming his stinger into your hide and hear thousands more right behind him, then you know you have hit paydirt and its about to hit back. Pretty soon you will be covered in bees, all butt-end down against some part of you, shoving those stingers in. Maybe you have seen pictures. It aint pretty but it can be fun to watch from a distance, especially to the right person, but not you. All of these bees are female, by the way. Dont ask me I didnt make the rules, just try to live by them.
Chapter Two: The Snake
These guys give most people the willies. Maybe thats a good thing cause it keeps whole bunches of dumb hodknockers off the trails. My experience, I would rather spend a day inside a bag of snakes than around most people, nine days out of ten. Overall they keep to themselves and dont cause any trouble. They have smooth little bodies covered with clean dry scales, and little jewels for eyes. They dont bark. Never once did I lay in bed and listen to my neighbors snake bark all night. Not once, ever.
The Poisonous Snake
Same as the above, but with that special blend of spices. A snake wont bite unless you scare the piss out of it. They need that venom to buy lunch with. Any snake knows your too big to eat and the last thing a snake wants to see is your big heavy boots coming its way. Its down on the ground with no legs to run with, so what the heck would you do? You act nice, the snake will too, but if not it will bite as a last resort.
The Swarm Of Snakes
You see one of these your damn lucky, unlike a swarm of bees. A swarm of snakes is a ball of snakes all wiggling together with a female inside somewhere that everybodys trying to mate with. Similar to what you can see down at the bar on a Saturday night, but quieter and less likely to explode.
The Mountain Lion
You see one of these, your damn lucky too, because somebody made a mistake and it wasnt you. The big cats can hear a human coming for about six miles, more if you have got your mouth open and have a bunch of words falling out. You see one its a special day. Maybe it wants you to come over for lunch, or its trying to figure out what the heck you are, or it just plain wasnt paying attention. Now which one of these is appealing to you? The good news is mountain lions dont much like the way we taste, though they do play with their food. If you noticed, lions are cats. Cats like to chase things, so think of yourself as a big catnip mouse and good luck there.
The Swarm Of Poisonous Mountain Lions
If you see one of these coming, its time to lift up your tail and kiss your butt goodbye. They got teeth sticking out every whichway, and exactly every one of them is just dripping with the worst kind of poison you can think of. Just try to imagine that for a second. Well, its worse than that, lots worse when theres a whole swarm of these things coming down the mountain at you. They dont swarm often, and those that have seen it didnt live to tell about it, mostly, so you got an experience on your hands here, might as well enjoy it. You will see a big cloud of dust and hear a sound like a runaway freight train, like a tornado coming at you, as people say. Only this one has fur on it, and a point of view. You cant tell for sure which way the swarm will go, so its your choice where to run and hide, or stand and fight, or stand and enjoy the sight for your last few moments. Either way its likely to ruin your week. Probably best if you can make yourself look like a big puddle of water because you know about cats and water. That might work. As you have found out if you ever tried to drop Fluffy in the bathtub just to see what would happen. Likely Fluffy didnt talk to you for a spell, until you were pretty near healed again. I never did figure out how a cat will never actually contact the surface of any amount of water, but sort of always bounces up right back at your face. Anyway, if your standing in a puddle already, you might have a chance. Try to get real flat. Go with the flow. Nice knowing you.
Bears
These are big dumpy things with more fur than most other things. Big teeth. Big paws. All that. Like all big wild things they pretty much leave you alone, except for the ones that like to surprise people and eat them. You have heard this. Black bears are smaller and grizzlies arnt. Bears sleep a lot in the winter and eat the rest of the time. By and large they go their own way unless you smell really delicious. One hungry bear equals one swarm of poisonous mountain lions. One hungry grizzly equals two swarms.
Finally, The Idiot
By far worse than being sucked dry by mosquitoes or dismantled by horseflies is having some idiot glom onto you for a week or so. You might find one of these wandering around alone up in the mountains with a pack the size of a boxcar, and he’s lonely. He will follow you like a rubber balloon stuck on a cat with static electricity and you cant shake him and he’s looking for friendship. He will tell you how good it is out in the open away from his job and all his problems, in the backcountry where a man can breathe free and be alone, and if you so much as blink you will see the look of fear in his eyes that you might sneak off leave him alone again. So if your too nice to kill him outright, or just afraid of being caught afterwards you will have a buddy for a while and you will learn all about his life and his family and what he liked best about third grade and what his favorite school lunch was, and why his stuff is better than yours, and meanwhile your looking up in the trees for any sign of a wasp nest you can whack with a stick in hopes of a restful distraction. If you cant shake him you will have him twitching and snoring all night next door to you, thrashing around like some crazy inmate, and then coming over at breakfast and leering down into your food and asking you how you slept and giving you this creeping feeling all over your skin. And then the seconds will start to drag something fierce. You will think about that time you set your shirt on fire and smile at the memory and look over to your new friend and wonder how fire would look on him. And all the while he’s telling you stuff you dont want to know, about people you dont want to hear about, and your getting desperate for someplace to scrape this guy off your hide, and maybe you do it and maybe you dont but whatever happens, its an experience that stays with you for life. Happy trails.